Mind Games
by Siripiritus
Summary: Harry Potter is in a coma due to an "accident" in Potions. He finds that no one can see or hear him when he awakes. Is he dead? Not sure, but he can posses people. Watch out Snape.
1. Accidents Do Happen

Disclaimer: I, Siripiritus, do not in any way, shape, or form, own Harry Potter and the characters that go with him and the books. They belong to the wonderful imagination of a lady by the name of JK Rowlings, whom I admire and perceive as one of the greatest minds of all time. I am merely borrowing them as a source of amusement for myself and hopefully others.  
  
'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@  
  
Mind Games  
  
Chapter One  
  
Harry Potter breathed heavily in relief as he plopped down next to his best friend, Ron Weasley, seconds before the bell rang. He silently thanked whomever was listening that Snape wasn't there yet to berate him and give him a detention. Hermione Granger, Harry's other best friend, glared disapprovingly at his tardiness, and truth be told, the disarray of his robes.  
  
"Harry you're a mess! You shouldn't have been so late to class. You  
know that this year  
is important because of OWLS. You need to be a bit more vigilant in  
your studies,  
Harry," scorned Hermione. Harry rolled his eyes, and Ron snickered,  
but quickly turned it into a cough when Hermione turned her attention to him.  
  
"Yeah mate, 'Mione's right. You looked like you were being chased by Trelawny wearing a wedding dress and shouting her undying love for you the way you barged into the classroom like that. Not to mention your hair looks even worse then usual. No offense of course," added Ron hastily.  
  
"Well if a certain redhead would have woken me up, I might have been here on time," said Harry with a pointed glare at Ron. Ron grimaced.  
  
"Erm . . . sorry 'bout that mate. I honestly thought you were already down in the Great Hall at breakfast. Didn't occur to me that you might still be in bed," said Ron. Harry sighed, his annoyance at Ron lessening.  
  
"It's okay. Just, next time make sure my bed's empty, ok?" asked Harry. Ron grinned and slapped him on the back. Harry winced as Ron slapped a particularly nasty bruise he had acquired on the way down to class.  
  
"Sure mate. Won't happen again," promised Ron. Harry smiled gratefully.  
  
Harry had overslept, and thanks to his thoughtful, notice the sarcasm dripping from the aforementioned word, roommates, he was late. But, as fate would have it, Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, who was also known for his profound "luck", would again be lucky today as he sure enough made it just in time for the dreaded potions class.  
  
Although, running through the halls, falling down five of steps on the staircase that led to the dungeons, and plowing through the Bloody Baron's icy spirit could be considered unlucky, or perhaps just plain stupid. Especially counting the bruise on his left thigh from tripping over Mrs. Norris as he left Gryffindor tower.  
  
Harry winced as the door to the Potion's classroom banged open. What one might consider to be some sort of large, slightly deformed, and quite ugly bat with what appeared to be some sort of coughed up grease ball atop its head at first glance entered the room, but in truth the vile creature was really just an ugly, despicable, and down right rude human bei- erm man. I don't think many people would agree with the "human being" part.  
  
Professor Severus Snape, current Potion's Master of Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and Head of Slytherin House sneered at the Gryffindors and looked indifferently towards his own house. Although, if one looked closely enough, they could detect a hint of a smirk on his otherwise sneering features.  
  
"Well, what are you all staring at? The ingredients are on the board. Get to work now!" barked Snape as he took his seat behind his desk.  
  
Frightened, and smug students respectively, jumped to attention and gathered their caldrons and ingredients together. They then got to work on what was supposedly a mild form of a Latk ro Dimn Thwics Potion, which would allow the user a chance to talk mentally with someone of their choosing for two to six hours depending on the amount of dosage.  
  
As Harry was carefully slicing the Boomslang skin in quarter inch pieces, something occurred to him. This potion's ingredients were very similar to the Polyjuice Potion he and his friends had made during their first year. Well, mostly Hermione brew it, but he still helped a little.  
  
While Harry had leaned over to quietly whisper his thoughts on the potion to Hermione, he failed to notice Draco Malfoy rise from his chair and calmly walk towards the student cupboards. Nor did he notice that as Malfoy passed by his table, he slipped something that had no right to be in that certain potion in the potion in question. Again Harry did not notice Draco Malfoy's malicious smirk as he again bypassed Harry's table on the way back to his own table.  
  
Indeed, Harry was too preoccupied with the smoke now emitting from Neville's caldron to notice such small, insignificant details like the aforementioned.  
  
"Longbottom you incompetent fool! What have you done wrong now?!?" shouted Snape as he stalked over to Neville's corner of the room. Snape took care of the potion with a wave of his wand before it had a chance to do something harmful, like exploding, but he still just had to give Neville, who was mumbling apologizes, what for.  
  
". . . fool boy . . . your incompetence amazes me . . . daft imbecile . . ."  
  
Too preoccupied with the tongue lashing Snape was giving Neville, Harry also didn't notice that his potion, which had been the correct color of sky blue, turn a nasty grayish color. And again, the ever so oblivious Harry Potter did not seem to notice that he potion was starting to bubble, no boil actually. Only when the potion started spitting out the scalding, gray goop onto his robes, did he notice.  
  
"BLOODY HELL," Ron exclaimed as he ducked under the table, pulling Hermione, who was about to start reprimanding him on his choice of foul language, below the table with him. Ron tried to grab Harry's arm also as he went, but by then it was already too late. With a deafening boom, the potion exploded right in Harry's face.  
  
Not only did Harry's potion explode, and also the world in front of him. It exploded in a sea of red, blue, and green flashing colors, and a weird tingly feeling in the back of his head was bothering him greatly. He was sure he had got some of the potion in his mouth, for it tasted strangely of roasted pecans. He just hoped the potion wasn't detrimental to his health. He couldn't very well defeat Slytherin this Quidditch season in he was rotting six feet under.  
  
All the sudden, Harry felt as if he was floating away. He was weightless, drifting upon the nonexistent breeze in the dungeon classroom. Harry's last coherent thought before he lost consciousness was, "I sure as hell hope Snape doesn't give me a detention for this . . ."  
  
'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@  
  
A/N: Well, there's the first chapter. I just suddenly got this idea a couple of days ago, and decided to write it down. For those of you who are reading my other story, I am sorry to say that I'm putting it on hold for right now. I'll probably get it updated in about a week or two, maybe. I just kind of hit a barrier, or more commonly known as writer's block. But do not fear, I will finish it, just not in the immediate future.  
  
Please review and tell me what you think of this story so far!!!  
  
l 


	2. Hello? Can Anybody Hear Me?

Disclaimer: See last the first chapter if you really like to read people's disclaimers.  
  
'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'  
  
Mind Games  
  
Chapter Two  
  
"Longbottom you incompetent fool! What have you done wrong now?!?" Snape shouted at the boy as he stalked towards the quivering lump and the hissing potion.  
  
'That incompetent whelp! I really wish Albus would just let me kick Longbottom out of this class for good. Everything be damned if I have to wait another year for the fool to be out of here. Longbottom strikes again! Third caldron this week, and I've only had two classes with the boy. It's bad enough having Potter in this class, but Longbottom too? Someone up there must really hate me,' silently steamed Snape.  
  
"You daft, fool boy. As ludicrous as it seems, your incompetence amazes me still. When will you ever be able to brew a potion right for a change, you daft imbecile. I find it hard to . . ."  
  
Snape stopped suddenly as he was interrupted by a loud, and rather crude exclamation from Weasley. Snape's nasty reprimand died on his lips though, as he turned around to reprimand Weasley for his language. For there was Potter's potion, and by all appearances it looked like it was about to explode, which it did, and Potter took the full bunt of it.  
  
To say that most of the class and its teacher were surprised to find an unconscious Harry Potter was an understatement. In fact, they just hoped he was unconscious and not dead. Well, at least the majority did.  
  
"HARRY!" screamed Hermione as she emerged from under the table with Ron. Snape hurried over to were Harry lay with Hermione crying over him.  
  
"Mobile Corpus," said Snape as he directed Harry's body towards the door. He turned around and glared at them all.  
  
"If I find out who sabotaged Mr. Potter's potion, I will personally see to it that that person is expelled. I expect for someone to clean this mess up, and then to resume your potions. If I come back to find anything to my disliking, then I'll take more points off Gryffindor and Slytherin that your children's children will still have problems getting them back in the positives," threatened Snape.  
  
Hermione and Ron made to follow Snape, but Snape held up his hand to stop them. "No Ms. Granger, Mr. Weasley, you both will stay here," said Snape.  
  
"But sir . . ." started Ron, but was interrupted by Snape.  
  
"No Mr. Weasley and that is final," said Snape as he swooped out of the room, Harry's body following obediently behind.  
  
'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'  
  
Harry groggily came back around. His head pounded and his body felt as if it weighed more than was humanly natural. Well, exception being if your name happened to be Vernon or Dudley Dursley of course.  
  
He opened his eyes and was surprised that he could see clearly. 'Strange,' mused Harry, 'I must still have on my glasses.'  
  
One look at the starch white ceilings and matching walls, and he knew he was in the Hospital Wing. He groaned loudly. Great, first week back, and he already got himself landed in the Hospital Wing.  
  
He tried to sit up, but found this action far more difficult than was usual. Finally, he accomplished the seemingly impossible feat, and was able to sit up properly without falling right back down. It was then that he heard voices coming his way from outside the Hospital Wing doors.  
  
"When do you think he will awake from his coma, Poppy," asked the grave voice of Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  
  
"I have no idea, Albus. It could be a day or even a year before he comes around. The poor boy is lucky to be alive," replied Madam Pomfrey.  
  
Harry wondered who had ended up in a coma. Was it someone he knew? He hoped it wasn't. He felt sorry for who ever it was though.  
  
"Why is it always Harry that these kind of things happen to? He's such a nice boy," said the teary voice of Professor McGonnagal. That's funny. It almost sounded like she had said that a boy named "Harry" was in a coma. He didn't know anybody else by the name of Harry except himself. 'Must be a first year,' thought Harry.  
  
"I disagree with you on that, Minerva. Potter has always been an impertinent brat, and I do believe he enjoys the attention. He probably did this all on purpose," snapped Snape.  
  
"Why Severus, I never . . ." started McGonnagal angrily, but Dumbledore interrupted.  
  
"Now hush you two. There is a child on the other side of this door in a coma, and this is a Hospital Wing. This is not the time nor the place for such petty arguments," admonished the Headmaster. Snape sneered and McGonnagal looked somewhat embarrassed.  
  
"I apologize for my behavior, Albus. I realize that this really isn't the time to be fighting with Severus," said McGonnagal. Snape just gave a non- conmental grunt.  
  
Harry's head was reeling at what he had just overheard. He had been in a coma? Well, he was thankful that he recovered so quickly! He might have missed the upcoming Quidditch game against Slytherin.  
  
The Professors and Madam Pomfrey entered the room, and Harry was surprised to note that Dumbledore's ever-twinkling eyes lacked their usual twinkle. He was even more surprised to see that McGonnagal had tearstains on her face, and he was floored to see that Snape even looked a little sympathetic towards him. But what confused him was that they didn't seem to notice that he was awake.  
  
"Professors?" asked Harry tentatively. They didn't even bat an eye at him. They just continued to stare at him. That is, until Madam Pomfrey approached him with the weird wizarding thermometer that was supposed to measure not only your temperature, but also blood sugar, cholesterol, and brain injury among other things. Harry recognized it, for he had quite a few experiences with the thing, but for the life of him he couldn't remember its name.  
  
Harry stood up quickly on wobbly feet. "What's going on? I'm okay, right? Why won't anybody answer me?!" exclaimed Harry. He was starting to worry. Did he contract some sort of lethal poison when he swallowed the potion? When no one seemed to hear him, he decided to try again.  
  
"Hello? Madam Pomfrey? Professor Dumbledore? Can you even hear me? Answer me!" demanded Harry. Although, Madam Pomfrey just kept advancing with her curious instrument. What happened next, freaked Harry out. Badly. Madam Pomfrey walked straight through him. It was like he wasn't even there.  
  
With a startled yell, Harry turned around quickly and came face to face with his own pale, drawn features. He watched Madam Pomfrey go about checking him with the wizarding thermometer. She hadn't seen him. He started breathing rapidly. Either he was a ghost, or, well, he didn't know what.  
  
"He's doing okay," said Pomfrey after she had finished checking on Harry's still form, "Better than I expected. I believe if my assumptions are correct, that he will awaken sometime late November, about two months from now."  
  
This calmed Harry down somewhat. Apparently he was just having an out-of- body experience or something. At least he wasn't dead, or at least he hoped not.  
  
"That is wonderful news," said the Headmaster, "I'm happy that he won't miss too much of his life. Although, I'm afraid that I must attend to business elsewhere. Please, Poppy, do inform me of any changes in Mr. Potter."  
  
"Of course, Headmaster," responded Madam Pomfrey dutifully. Snape and McGonnagal also left, and Madam Pomfrey returned to her office. It was weird for Harry, to be staring down at his own body. It wasn't like looking in a mirror. It was more like looking in your home from the outside of a window. Like looking in and watching your family on a cold, snowy night with fire crackling merrily in the background and them enjoying hot cocoa. You knew you should be in there too, enjoying the warmth, but you had no way of getting in, for the door was locked.  
  
Harry sighed audibly. He had to figure out a way to get back into his body. Over the next couple of hours, Harry tried lying down on his body, which he hoped would somehow suck up his spirit, and various other ways to rejoin with his body, although none of them worked. He even tried squeezing up his nose. It wasn't a pleasant experience.  
  
Harry sat dejectedly in the chair near his bed. He guessed he would just have to wait for two months until his body woke up, which would then, hopefully, drag his spirit back into his body. Harry sighed again as he glanced at his new wristwatch he had gotten for his fifteenth birthday less than a month ago. Classes would be over in another three hours, and no doubt Hermione and Ron would be up to visit. And they certainly couldn't help him.  
  
Harry fiddled with a quill that was lying on his bedside table, absently running the smooth feather up and down the arm of the chair. He usually fiddled with things when he was bored. He suddenly stopped and stared at the feather. He could feel it. He could touch it. He could lift it! He could write to someone that he was somehow out of his body, and he could get help.  
  
Harry smiled to himself, but soon that grin faltered. Did he really want to go back to the "Land of the Living" so to speak, so soon? He was supposed to wake up in a few months anyway, why not have a little vacation? One that he could enjoy.  
  
Harry suddenly had an inspiration. If he could move things, and couldn't be seen, then he could cause some major chaos in Hogwarts. Imagine all the pranks he could pull on Snape and the Slytherins, and no one would be the wiser.  
  
Harry's face took on a truly evil smirk. He would live up to the Marauder's legacy. Harry James Potter, newly appointed "poltergeist" of Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was going to be a force to be reckoned with, and the castle's inhabitants were going to find that out very soon indeed.  
  
'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@  
  
A/N: Whew! I'm starting to see cross eyed from staring at the screen so long. I've been typing for four hours!!!! I am sooo tired!  
  
Please review and tell me what you think of this story. Your support means a lot to me. Thanks,  
Siripiritus 


	3. The Diary of Severus Jub Jub Snape

Disclaimer: I wonder how many people actually read disclaimers. Well, just for disclaimers sake, I disclaim ownership of all of the below except for plot. If anybody reads this, then answer this question in a review. It will satisfy my curiosity of how many people read these. Ok, what is the capitol of Rhode Island? I personally don't know, but wouldn't mind knowing!  
  
'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'  
  
Mind Games  
  
Chapter Three  
  
Harry grinned evilly as he watched the fifth year students enter the Potions classroom. He felt kind of sorry for the Gryffindors. They had to have Potions every morning this year because of OWLs, and he got to frolic about as a ghost, or something to that affect. Harry was already making plans for what he would do during the next two months, and he was about to put plan number one in action.  
  
Ron and Hermione had visited his comatose body last night. Hermione had cried. He felt bad about not contacting them and telling them he was all right. Maybe he could just let them know, but make them promise not to tell anybody. Yes, that would be something to think about later, but right now class was about to start.  
  
Harry had discovered something when he was playing around with his newly acquired "spirit powers" late last night. Apparently he didn't need to sleep. He discovered that he still had control over his magic even though he didn't use his wand. All he had to do was will something to happen with his mind. If he thought about it hard enough, it would happen. He had been able to summon a pillow from one of the hospital beds. Harry believed he would put his skills to the test, and what better way than in our very own potions classroom.  
  
Snape banged into the room, much like he did yesterday, sneered at the class, and then started barking out orders. "Turn to page 179 in your book and read chapters thirteen through eighteen. I expect all of you to know these chapters by heart for the quiz that will begin in one hour. Although, I expect that some of you dunderheads," spat Snape with a pointed glare towards Neville, who shrunk down into his seat, "will not be able brew this potion if your life depended on it. Now get to work!"  
  
The students hastily scrambled to unpack their books and began to read. Snape seemed to be grading papers behind his desk. Perfect. Although Harry knew he couldn't be heard, he still quietly crept up to the blackboard, made sure no one was looking, picked up the chalk, and then commenced to write on the board.  
  
The Diary of Severus "Jub Jub" Snape  
  
Dear Diary, I got really drunk last night and woke up naked in Filch's office. I was sore for the rest of the day in my bottom area. I think something happened because Filch keeps winking at me, and he even smiled when I walked by . . .  
  
Harry had to stop there because he had run out of room. Nobody had seen what was written on the board yet, but Harry couldn't wait to see their reactions. He had decided he would make a "Dear Diary" entry for Snape whenever he got the chance.  
  
The first one to notice was Dean Thomas, who looked up briefly from his reading and had to do a double take at the writing on the board. Harry watched as Dean's jaw dropped farther and farther as he read on. Dean jabbed Seamus Finnigan in the ribs and motioned for him to be quiet. He then discreetly pointed to the board. Seamus read the inscriptions and had to cover his mouth and nose to keep from laughing. He was quickly turning red from lack of oxygen.  
  
Dean tapped Ron, who was sitting in front of him and pointed at the board. Confused, Ron looked at the board and read. Of course, Ronald "Tactful" Weasley had no qualms about laughing out loud. This drew the attention of the rest of the class.  
  
They looked over at Ron, who had fallen off his chair in his mirth, and then looked up at the board. The majority of the class, minus Hermione and a few Slytherins, burst into gales of laughter. Snape stood up and stalked to the front of the class.  
  
"Would you mind telling me what is so funny, Mr. Weasley, that you feel that you must disrupt my class," asked Snape in a low, dangerous voice. The class immediately stopped their laughter.  
  
"Umm, er, I-I," stuttered Ron.  
  
"You what Mr. Weasley," demanded Snape sharply. Draco Malfoy answered for him.  
  
"Sir, it seems as if someone has written something on the board about you," said Malfoy. Snape turned and read what was on the board and then turned to face the class. The tension was as thick as pea soup and it was deadly quiet.  
  
Snape's face had changed from the pale, sickly pallor that it normally had to a dark, pinkish tinge. "I want to the person who did this to know that if I ever, EVER even hear a whisper of you MIGHT have done this, I will make sure that person is expelled before they can even say Sheboigan. Is that understood?" asked Snape dangerously.  
  
The student's nodded silently, although they exchanged confused glances with each other at their professor's choice of words. Sheboigan? Was that even a word? It sounded rather silly for someone as Professor Snape to say. What the class didn't hear, or see, was Harry Potter laughing uproariously in the corner of the room.  
  
Harry had discovered another "spirit power" to use on his escapades. He had been listening to Snape's little warning and thought it would be funny for him to say something as stupid as "Sheboigan" during such a serious talk. The next thing Harry knew, Snape had actually said it! If he could put words into other people's mouth, literally, without them knowing it, then he could cause a whole bunch of trouble.  
  
The class resumed as normal, or as normal as it could be after what had just happened, and Harry left to go back to the hospital wing. He had some more planning to do.  
  
As he was walking into the Hospital Wing, he suddenly started thinking about Professor Dumbledore. How could the man put up with someone like Snape as an employee? He wondered how Dumbledore did it. It was probably hard, being Dumbledore that is.  
  
All of the sudden, Harry started feeling dizzy. The room was spinning and he felt a pull at the back of his mind. He closed his eyes and willed the sickly sensation to pass. After about a minute, which felt more like hours to Harry, the spinning stopped and the nausiouness retreated.  
  
Harry opened his eyes tentatively and was greatly surprised to see that he was in Dumbledore's office. And more importantly, to see that he was sitting behind Dumbledore's desk. Fawkes trilled quietly in the corner, and the great red phoenix gave him a penetrating look. How in the world did Harry end up here? He looked around for any sign of Professor Dumbledore, but didn't see the old man.  
  
Harry reached up to run a hand through his hair, a nasty habit of his, and felt smooth, long hair. Harry looked down to his chest and was surprised to see a long, silvery beard. He then looked down at his hands, and saw that they were wrinkled with age. Harry screamed.  
  
`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`  
  
Okay, I uploaded this chapter pretty fast, without thoroughly going over it, and then made some corrections a couple of hours later after I got home. I mean, I had just got out of the bath, not even toweled off yet, and my ride was here to go to a party. I had to find my clothes, which is rather hard considering the state of my room, finish this chapter and then get on the Internet and upload it. Needless to say, I was SO beyond "fashionable late".  
  
NOTE! I revised my other two chapters. I realize that they were not my best work, and I blame that on the fact that I wrote both chapters at two o'clock in the morning. I'll try to work on the next chapter tomorrow. I usually get my work done on weekends, just a warning.  
  
ALSO NOTE! Any prank ideas are more than welcomed. I will use the best ones in my story, and give credit to whomever had suggested the idea. Please Review! Your opinions mean very much to me.  
Thanks,  
Siripiritus 


	4. Yankee Doodle Dandy

Disclaimer: I, Siripiritus, do not in any way even imagine that I own Harry Potter and co. I realize that my imagination will never be able to come up with such wonderful characters or such a grand world. I would like to believe that one day I might, but not right now.  
  
By the way, what are your opinions on the cloning of sheep?  
  
'@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`  
  
Mind Games  
  
Chapter Four  
  
Harry screamed. And screamed. And screamed. And continued to scream for quite some time. How the Helltzer fizzy aspirin tablets did he get INSIDE of Dumbledore? Harry Potter was officially freaked out. He thought that he was just some sort of spirit who could will things to happen and touch inanimate objects. He did not expect to be able to get in other people's heads!  
  
Harry stood up quickly and examined his newly acquired body. Yes, he was certainly Dumbledore, but where was the old man now if Harry was currently "inhabiting" his body? Was Dumbledore somehow a "spirit thing" like Harry was? Harry really hoped that he could find away out of this situation. He really didn't fancy spending the rest of his life, however longer that may be, as Albus Dumbledore of all people.  
  
Again, Fawkes trilled in the corner. Harry looked over at the phoenix. "Do you know that I'm not really Dumbledore?" asked Harry warily. Fawkes nodded once. 'Well,' Harry mused, 'Phoenix's are supposed to be more intelligent than most magical creatures. Why am I not surprised he would sense me in here.'  
  
"Well, do you know how to get me out of here?" asked Harry desperately. Fawkes just did the equivalence of a bird shrug and went back to preening his feathers. Harry made an agitated noise in the back of his throat.  
  
"Bloody flaming chicken," muttered Harry angrily under his breath. Just then, a knock sounded on the door. This sudden noise made Harry jump in his chair and forget all about Fawkes's oh so helpful behavior.  
  
"Erm . . . come in?" asked Harry uncertainly. If he was somehow stuck in Dumbledore's body, then he was just going to have to put his almost non- existent acting skills to good use.  
  
Remus Lupin and a large black dog entered the room. Harry had to catch himself before he flung himself at his godfather. This whole "switching body things" was a tad too much to handle at the moment. Remus just regarded him strangely as he shut and locked the door.  
  
"Headmaster, are you feeling alright?" asked Remus. Harry nodded and tried to think of what Dumbledore would say. He had enough encounters with the headmaster to try to imitate his behavior. At least he hoped he had.  
  
"Of course I'm okay. Um, would you care for a lemon drop?" offered Harry as he handed the bowl of lemon drops that were on the desk to Remus and Sirius, who had by then changed back to his human form.  
  
Sirius waved them away. "No thanks, Dumbledore. I want to know how Harry is doing. Is he ok? When will he wake up? I'll lynch Snape the next time I see him! Can I see Harry now?" asked Sirius hurriedly. Remus nodded.  
  
"Yes, when can we see Harry? And when will he wake up?" asked Remus.  
  
Harry was inwardly touched by the concern that both his godfather and ex- professor seemed to show for his well being.  
  
"Don't worry, he'll wake up in about two months," said Harry. Sirius looked angry.  
  
"I'll kill Snape for this. The man does not need to be around children. Or small animals," growled Sirius. Harry had to suppress a snort.  
  
"You can go see him right now, but Sirius, I would like a word with you alone first. Remus, why don't you go on to the Hospital Wing? I'll only keep Sirius for a minute," said Harry.  
  
Remus looked confused as to why Dumbledore couldn't tell Sirius what ever it was in front of him, and Sirius was just confused. Remus nodded anyway and left. Sirius sat back in his chair and regarded the old man in front of him warily.  
  
"What do you have to talk to me about that you can't say in front of Remus?" asked Sirius. Harry smiled. He had to tell someone, but he only wanted Sirius to know. He'd be more prone to keeping his little secret.  
  
"Hypothetically speaking, Sirius, what would you do if you discovered Harry was a . . . Erm, poltergeist for instance?" asked Harry uncertainly. Sirius paled drastically.  
  
"YOU MEAN MY GODSON IS DEAD!?!" yelled Sirius as he stood from his chair. Harry raised his hands in a surrendering manner.  
  
"No, no, he's not dead. Calm down, Sirius. It was just a hypothetical question!" reasoned Harry. Sirius sat back down and had to good grace to appear sheepish.  
  
"Sorry Dumbledore, you just scared me there for a minute. Was that all? Can I go see Harry now?" asked Sirius hopefully. Judging by Sirius's emotional outburst, Harry wasn't to keen about telling him of his little "problem" now. Maybe later, but not anytime soon. The man would probably not believe him anyways.  
  
Harry sighed. "Sure go on, but don't change back to human form. Even in the Hospital Wing. I'm sure Harry doesn't want to wake up and find out that his godfather was thrown back in Azkaban."  
  
Sirius thanked him quickly, opened the door, changed, and took off towards the hospital wing. Harry slumped back down in his chair.  
  
"Why me?" asked Harry to no one in particular. Fawkes just trilled quietly in the corner. Harry glared at him. "Fat lot of help you are," said Harry.  
  
Harry tried to think about how he got himself into this situation. He had been walking to the Hospital Wing from the Potion's classroom. He had been thinking of Dumbledore at the time, but how did he come in the possession of his body?  
  
Harry mentally added "possession" to the ever-growing list of "spirit powers". Well it would be fun if Harry could posses people at will. Harry smirked evilly as he imagined possessing Snape. Oh, he could have so much fun! He would totally embarrass himself, and everyone would think it was Snape doing it!  
  
As Harry was thinking of being Snape, he suddenly felt that sickly sensations that he felt before he "became" Dumbledore. The room started spinning and Harry closed his eyes tightly. All the while thinking "Not again".  
  
The spinning stopped, and Harry opened his eyes. He was greatly surprised to see the seventh year Gryffindors and Slytherins sitting in front of him in what appeared to be the Potion's classroom.  
  
With a startled squeaking noise, which Harry recognized as Snape's voice, he stumbled behind "his" desk and sat down hard. Many of the student's stifled snorts of laughter.  
  
"Are you alright, Professor Snape?" asked a seventh year Slytherin girl that Harry didn't know the name of. Well, that confirmed it. He could posses people by just thinking about being them. Harry really hoped Dumbledore didn't know that he had possessed him. It wouldn't be too good for Harry.  
  
"Yes, I'm fine," answered Harry slowly. He suddenly had an epiphany. He was in Snape's body. He could do everything he was imagining doing to ruin Snape's reputation just minutes ago.  
  
Harry grinned widely. Many of the students gasped and shrank back into their desks. One girl even held up her necklace, which had a cross on the chain, in front of her in hopes to ward off evil, Erm, Snape. Oh hell, they go hand in hand!  
  
"Oh I'm just fine. I've also got a great idea. How's about we all play a little game!" asked Harry enthusiastically. The students just exchanged confused, and in some cases, frightened looks.  
  
"Okay, we are all going to play Truth or Dare. Jeremy Goldstein, Truth or Dare?" asked Harry. Jeremy Goldstein was a Gryffindor.  
  
"Umm, truth sir," said Jeremy uncertainly. Harry just smiled, which did nothing to soothe the elder Gryffindor' fears.  
  
"Is it true, Jeremy, that I am the ugliest, most slimy bastard on the planet?" asked Harry nonchalantly. Many of the students gasped, and some laughed. Jeremy looked awfully confused, but thanks to the fabled Gryffindor courage, spoke truthfully.  
  
"Yes sir, it's completely true," said Jeremy confidently. Harry nodded in satisfaction.  
  
"Thank you Jeremy. One thousand points to Gryffindor," beamed Harry. Many of the Slytherin students choked and one even fainted. The Gryffindors just stared. Harry started humming the tune to some song that the muggleborns recognized, but none of the wizarding children did as he skipped out of the classroom. Students could hear him singing all the way out of the dungeons.  
  
"I'M A YANKEE DOODLE DANDY. YANKEE DOODLE DO OR DIE. YANKEE DOODLE CAME TO LONDON JUST TO RIDE TO PONYS. I'M THAT YANKEE DOODLE BOY . . .."  
  
`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`@\~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`  
  
Heh, erm, well there's chapter four! Please do review and tell me what you think. Don't forget! I welcome ideas, and they would be given full credit to the giver. Thanks,  
Siripiritus 


	5. Encounters of The Elfin Kind

Disclaimer: I disclaim. How many people who read this story is over forty years old?  
  
Ha! All I'm doing today is writing.  
  
NOTE!!! FF.net is acting really weird. It says I have 43 reviews, but they don't show up. I only can see the twenty-seven from the first two chapters. I'm sorry if there is anything anybody asked that is important in those reviews, but I can't seem to access them. If anybody has a suggestion about what to do about my problem, email me at sadiebabie143@aol.com  
  
ARGH! I HAVE 43 REVIEWS AND I CAN ONLY READ 27!!!!!  
  
Why me?  
  
Thanks, Siripiritus.  
  
`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`  
  
Mind Games  
  
Chapter Five  
  
Harry made his way to the kitchens. Now that he had a body, even if it was Snape's, he was in the mood for some food! He tickled the pear, which gave an eerie giggle, and made his way into the room.  
  
Harry was immediately assaulted by about ten to twelve house-elves.  
  
"What can Dinky do for Mr. Snape, sir?"  
  
"Would Mr. Snape like Boopy to get Mr. Snape some food, sir?"  
  
"Can Gaggy do Mr. Snape's laundry, sir?"  
  
"Does Mr. Snape want Kinky to bring him his newly polished handcuffs, sir?"  
  
"Does Mr. Snape wantsa Ja Ja Binky to get himsa some tea, sir?"  
  
"Do you want Icky to shine your sticky shoes Mr. Snape, sir?"  
  
"Can Yancy wipe your as-"  
  
"QUIET!" bellowed Harry at the top of his lungs. The house-elves stopped their ever-flowing spring of questions and looked expectantly at Harry. He didn't think Snape would be so popular amongst the house-elves. Maybe it was because he was a Professor or something.  
  
"Would one of you please get me as much food as you can carry and set it on that table over there?" asked Harry as he gestured to a medium sized table with two chairs. The house-elves bounced enthusiastically away to fill the order.  
  
Harry sat down on the chair at the table and sighed. One thing he had missed while he hadn't been so solid was food. Soon the table Harry was sitting at was weighed down with different foods like chicken, salads, steaks, fruits, vegetables, and ten different kinds of deserts. Immediately, Harry started to stuff himself.  
  
Once he had stuffed his face to his heart's content, he sat back in his chair and heaved a contented sigh. Harry jumped as he heard applause from the other side of the kitchen. He stood up quickly and spun around to find Minerva McGonnagal applauding him. Harry tried his best to mold Snape's facial features into a sneer, which wasn't that hard at all. Although, smiling hurt. Bad.  
  
"Well done, Severus. I don't believe I've ever seen anybody do an impression of a pig eating its slop so well as you do," said McGonnagal wryly. Harry wanted to retort with a comment about his cousin, but reframed himself. He also reminded himself to call the woman Minerva.  
  
"What business is it of yours, Minerva, about how I eat my pig` slop when I am supposedly alone?" asked Harry. He mentally patted himself on the back. He was getting better at this acting thing. He was almost even fooling himself while making a fool of Snape!  
  
McGonnagal blinked and shook her head a bit.  
  
"Oh, it's non of my business, but while you're down here being a glutton, Dumbledore has called a staff meeting, and I was volunteered to come and fetch you."  
  
"Lead the way Snazzy Pants," Harry said curtly.  
  
"Excuse me?" asked McGonnagal.  
  
"What?" asked Harry.  
  
"I said excuse me," said McGonnagal.  
  
"Sure," replied Harry. McGonnagal just frowned at him. She turned on her heel and exited out of the portrait hole, all the while with Harry following.  
  
"Thank you and come again," called one house-elf as the portrait door slammed shut behind the two.  
  
Harry was nervous. What could the staff meeting be about? He hoped he wouldn't be caught, but then Harry reminded himself that there was no way he could be suspected. After all, Harry Potter was lying in a bed, comatose, and wasn't due to wake up for the next two months. What were the chances?  
  
Harry was soon led to a non-descript wooden door. McGonnagal entered and sat on one of the couches next to Professor Vector, whom Harry did not know that well. Harry took his seat by the fireplace in a comfy looking armchair.  
  
Dumbledore smile brightly. "Well, now that everyone is here, let us begin. First off, I would like to have the opinions of my staff. I believe I might be under some sort of selective memory spell. Either that or I must be feeling the effects of my old age."  
  
Harry gulped inaudibly.  
  
"You see," continued Dumbledore, "I was sitting at my desk earlier this afternoon, when all of the sudden I felt very sickly. I remember closing my eyes and then opening them. The feeling had passed, and I went about my business, not giving the occurrence a second thought. When Remus Lupin and his pet failed to arrive for their meeting, I went in search of the two. I found Remus in the Hospital Wing with Mr. Potter. Remus informed me that we did indeed have the meeting some time ago. Now I would like to here what you have to say on the matter."  
  
'Well,' though Harry, 'At least I know Dumbledore doesn't know it was me, and that should mean that Snape won't remember either.' Harry started to get a most terrible, diabolical, and most evil idea in his mind, but it would have to wait later for further evaluation. His attention had to be focused on the present. Professor Sprout was the first one to speak up.  
  
"Have you gone and seen Madame Pomfrey, Headmaster?"  
  
"Yes, I went as soon as I had talked to Remus. She found no indication that it was my old age. I suspect it could have been a spell, but what would be the purpose of that? They wouldn't have gotten anything useful by controlling my body without my knowledge for that short period of time. Nothing happened," replied Dumbledore.  
  
"Could it have been a potion?" asked Professor Shacklebolt, the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Dumbledore adopted a thoughtful look.  
  
"Hmm, it could have possibly been. I do remember having my tea this morning, although I don't remember anything off about it," remarked Dumbledore.  
  
"What do you think, Severus?" asked McGonnagal. Harry inwardly cursed his Head of House to all Nine Hells. 'Why oh why me?' he asked himself again for the second time that day.  
  
"It could have been a potion or maybe a poison. I don't recall any potions that can control and give the victim selective memory loss," Harry replied. No one seemed to suspect him as they all went about talking about possible causes.  
  
"Well, we will just have to gather tomorrow to figure out this little mystery as it is almost time for dinner. Same time tomorrow, now let us descend to dinner," said Dumbledore.  
  
Everyone, including Harry, left to go down to dinner. During the mindless chatter of the teachers, Harry had been concocting his little plan. He would completely and totally embarrass Snape, and then abandon Snape's body right in the middle of what he would do. Harry chuckled darkly to himself. He couldn't wait to see Snape's reaction.  
  
`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`  
  
Well, there's chapter five. That's two chapters in one day. I know they might be a tad bit short, but oh well, that just means you get a lot more chapters sooner. I WISH I COULD ACCESS MY REVIEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Well, keep them coming. I can at least say "Hey! I got 43 reviews! I don't know what the hell they say, but still I got 43 reviews!"  
Thanks, Siripiritus 


	6. I'm Too Sexy For My Spandex

Disclaimer: I disclaim. Really, I do. No joke.  
  
Quick Question! For Guys: Boxer or briefs? For Girls: Granny, normal, or thong? I prefer normal myself.  
  
I am currently typing this chapter in the hospital on my laptop. My mom had to go there early Tuesday morning (3:36 AM), and she has to have all this surgery and stuff. Hysterectomy? Is that how you spell it? Oh well, let's just say she almost died from blood loss.  
  
Menopause can be a real bitch.  
  
I don't know when I'll finish this chapter since my schedule is REALLY hectic right now, but today is Wednesday, March 3 for me. Hopefully I'll get this chapter up sometime this week.  
  
I also can't type very fast because when I drove home to feed the dogs, my two little Yorkshire terrier females got into a fight and Daralynn bit the shi . . . uh my right index finger. I bled for like fifteen minutes.  
  
ATTENTION! I'm raising the rating for this chapter to PG-13. It's sort of vulgar . . .hem.  
  
'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'  
  
Mind Games  
  
Chapter Six  
  
Harry smirked inwardly as he followed the other professors into the Great Hall. Dinner was going to be super fun. He had big plans for Snape. Students stared at Harry as he passed by. They no doubt heard about Professor Snape's earlier "mental breakdown".  
  
Harry was somewhat surprised to see that Remus and his "dog" were also at the dinner table. Harry smirked outwardly this time. The more the merrier. Whispers from the students erupted as he sat himself at the high table.  
  
". . . crazy I tell you . . ."  
  
". . . slightly disturbed and highly dangerous . . ."  
  
". . . singing Yankee Doodle Dandy in the dungeons!"  
  
"Yankee Doodle Dandy?"  
  
"Never mind . . ."  
  
". . . nutters . . . St. Mungo's . . ."  
  
"He's finally cracked . . ."  
  
Harry smiled a toothy grin when the food appeared. Mmm. More food is always good. Now this seemingly innocent action of smiling was met by varying degrees of shock by the professors. Dumbledore, who was known to never be surprised by anything, just blinked twice. Professor Flitwick squeaked and fell out of his chair.  
  
He did this quite often.  
  
Trelawny, who had started gracing them with her presence this year, started muttering about death omens while waving her fork fearfully in the direction of Snape. Professor McGonnagal stared incredulously at him while trying in vain to close her gaping mouth.  
  
CLANK. Remus Lupin dropped his spaghetti-loaded fork in surprise, half way to his mouth. Remus was staring at Harry or rather at Snape, as if he, Snape that is, had just announced his engagement to himself, no Harry Potter.  
  
Harry shook his head slightly as if to dispose of his confusing train of thought. Him and Snape? Where had he gotten such a disturbing thought? Harry just smiled back at Remus and gave a little wave. Dazedly, Remus waved back.  
  
Harry tucked his napkin into his shirt, looking quite ridiculous I might add, and tucked in. He ate quickly, and many students and teachers alike stopped eating just to watch him gobble at such amazing speeds.  
  
At this point, Harry might have even given Dudley a run for his pie, err, money. Harry finished and practically ran to the potions classroom. He had forty-five minutes before dinner was over. Just enough time to execute his most diabolical plan yet.  
  
Harry was thankful that Transfiguration was one of his best subjects. He was also thankful that Snape kept a variety of finished potions in his office.  
  
"God, I have a new appreciation of women," muttered Harry to himself as he walked awkwardly down the hall towards the Great Hall.  
  
"How they managed walk in these damned heels, I will never know."  
  
Twenty minutes later, the doors to the Great Hall opened with a bang as they bounced off either sides of the wall. Pink smoke billowed in, and one girl, a first year Hufflepuff, screamed. The adults drew their wands, and the Headmaster stood up. The occupants of the Great Hall could make out the shape of someone in the pink fog.  
  
The sound of heels on marble floors echoed throughout the silent Hall. The pink smoke started to dissipate, and the mysterious person stood before them in all of hi-, err, her red and gold glory.  
  
Students screamed. Students fainted. Students gaped. Students gagged. Students started laughing uncontrollably.  
  
If anybody had been paying attention to Remus Lupin's great black dog, they would have been suspicious as to why it was rolling of the ground, making strange noises. Some might think that the dog was suffering from some kind of attack, but in reality the "dog" was indeed laughing. Fortunately, no one noticed the odd behavior of the dog.  
  
They were far too preoccupied to notice such mundane events.  
  
In the doorway stood Severus Snape wearing a tight yellow tub top, extremely small bordering on nonexistent red mini skirt, and white stilettos. The neon green thong straps were pulled up high on his hips, and his hair was put into pigtails with fluffy pink scrunchies. He had ruby red lipstick and way too much blue eye make-up adorning his still pale face.  
  
What shocked most people, if indeed they could be more shocked, was that Severus Snape had gained some "extra appendages" since twenty minutes or so ago that he left.  
  
Two in fact, on either side of his chest.  
  
Harry smiled widely as he observed the reactions. One student was actually vomiting on his fellow housemate's shoe. Said housemate didn't notice.  
  
Harry waved his wand and muttered a spell. Music, seemingly out of nowhere, started playing loudly. Harry stuck his wand in the side of his mini skirt and started to dance suggestively towards the high table where many gobs smacked professors sat and watched in abject horror. All the while singing to the music playing.  
  
I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love  
  
Love's going to leave me  
  
I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt  
  
So sexy it hurts  
  
By now, Harry had reached the teacher's table. The professors watched with morbid fascination as Harry hoisted himself atop the table and commenced to wiggling his buttocks in McGonnagal's face.  
  
McGonnagal just stared stupidly at the jiggling ass cheeks that were no more than ten inches from her face. The aforementioned part of the human anatomy had already fallen halfway out of the tiny red mini skirt, which had "I LOVE GRYFFINDOR" in large, glittering letters splashed across the back.  
  
Harry continued to sing.  
  
And I'm too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan  
  
New York and Japan  
  
And I'm too sexy for your party  
  
Too sexy for your party  
  
No way I'm disco dancing  
  
I'm a model you know what I mean  
  
And I do my little turn on the catwalk  
  
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah  
  
I do my little turn on the catwalk  
  
I'm too sexy for my car too sexy for my car  
  
Too sexy by far  
  
And I'm too sexy for my hat  
  
Too sexy for my hat what do you think about that  
  
Harry had stopped waggling his butt suggestively in McGonnagal's face, and had moved onto to just dancing vulgarly up and down the table. When he reached Flitwick, who was wide eyed with fear, Harry drew up all of his Gryffindor courage, and gave Flitwick a sloppy French kiss.  
  
Harry drew back and winked at Flitwick. Flitwick just blinked dazedly and then fainted. Harry just started singing again.  
  
I'm too sexy for my too sexy for my too sexy for my  
  
'Cos I'm a model you know what I mean  
  
And I do my little turn on the catwalk  
  
Harry had reached the end of the table and turned to dance back down. As he turned, he flipped his hair and winked at Hagrid. Hagrid blushed.  
  
Harry reached Dumbledore, and the music stopped abruptly. Harry stood before Dumbledore with wide eyes, then turned towards McGonnagal.  
  
"OH MY GOD, Minnie! Look at his beard! It's like, one of those rap guy's doo rags!" said Harry in a high pitched voice. He had one hand on his hip and the other was gesturing to a rather amused Headmaster.  
  
New music started playing. Harry commenced to dancing again while rapping.  
  
I like big beards and I can not lie You other brothers can't deny When a man walks in with an itty bitty face And a white thing in your space You get sprung  
  
The music, again, stopped abruptly. "Hem hem. Sorry 'bout that. I kind of got off track," said Harry sheepishly. Different music started playing.  
  
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah  
  
I shake my little touche on the catwalk  
  
I'm too sexy for my cat too sexy for my cat  
  
Poor pussy poor pussy cat  
  
I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love  
  
Love's going to leave me  
  
And I'm too sexy for this song  
  
As Harry finished the last lines of the song, he was giving a beyond shocked Remus a lap dance. Students were either shouting in disgust or chortling with glee.  
  
Some were even clapping.  
  
Harry plopped himself on Remus's lap and threw his arms around his head. Remus gulped and looked pleadingly at the other professors. They just looked right back.  
  
"Rem, honey, I've been thinking good and hard about this, and I think we should take our relationship to the next level," said Harry. He got out of Harry's lap and kneeled. By now the whole hall was deathly silent—all students straining to here what Harry was saying.  
  
"Remus J. Lupin, will you marry me?" asked Harry loudly. Many people gasped. Remus looked sick. Harry smiled widely, stood up, leaned over, and whispered so that only Remus could hear.  
  
"Sorry for embarrassing you, Remus, but this prank was just to good to pass up."  
  
Remus's eyes suddenly widened. Harry saw a dawn of realization enter his eyes.  
  
"You're not Snape, are you? Who are you?" asked Remus tentatively.  
  
Harry's smile widened. "I'm just your friendly Hogwart's very own mischievious spirit. Call me Joe. You know, like coffee? Give Snape my best won't you?" Harry winked and willed himself out of Snape. The familiar sickly feeling overtook him, and he was rushed from Snape's body. Harry opened his eyes to see that he was still in the Great Hall, standing directly beside Snape.  
  
"—properties of Monkshoo—"Snape began, but stopped as he noticed he wasn't standing in front of his classroom giving a lecture. Snape looked confusedly around at all of the people staring at him. He then looked down at himself.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL!" yelled Snape as he stumbled backwards. Harry laughed loudly at the look of pure horror dawning on Snape's face.  
  
With an undignified squeak, Snape fled the Great Hall, but not before falling on his face because of the high stilettos. The students broke out into excited whispers. Dumbledore stood, and everyone immediately became quiet.  
  
"I . . . well, I suggest you all go to bed now," said the Headmaster rather meekly. This greatly surprised the students. They had never before seen the Headmaster at a loss for words.  
  
As was told, the students left for bed. Harry sighed contentedly as he floated towards the Hospital Wing.  
  
'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@`  
  
He . . . hoped you all enjoyed that. Again, sorry about the lateness. I might not be updating for a couple of days, or I could update this weekend. We have to take my mom up to another hospital in a city an hour away from here, so I might not be able to access the internet.  
  
Now to answer some questions! (Obviously I FINALLY got to read my reviews) (Also, I don't answer all the reviews individually, but if you want me to mention you, just tell me)  
  
kateydidnt: Well, consider this an AU. I personally didn't find the whole "Sirius dying" thing to my liking, although I may use some of the things from OOTP in this story, like the thelesterals. Of course, I have no idea how to spell that . . . did I mention I love your story?  
  
Ankalagon: *reads review* *bursts out into hysterical laughter* *wipes tear away* Oh that is brilliant! I will definitely do just that, but it may be a few chapters. Thanks for the review and the idea! I can't wait to use it!  
  
Prophetess of Hearts: *sigh* Yes, I know. I like Snape too, but I've tried to write him as some poor, misunderstood shadow of a man who just needs a hug and some encouraging words, but I totally failed at that story. I was so embarrassed by that horrible story that I got a new account. It's just so much easier for me to portray him as the unlovable "bad guy".  
  
Jaws: What about ass jiggling? Was that to your liking?  
  
Aquarian Fire Tiger: Hmm. Interesting question. Maybe.  
  
annie14: Don't worry, all will be explained in time.  
  
HongMing: Did you know you are probably my most favorite author in Fan Fiction? You don't know how . . . ecstatic? Happy? There isn't an adjective to describe what I felt when I saw you had reviewed. I thank you from the deepest depths of my heart. Oh, and I hope you enjoyed the chapter.  
  
Well, that's all the questions for today.  
  
NOTE! Yes, I know I was quite redundant in the first chapter about Harry being late, but I blame it on the lack of sleep.  
  
I'll probably get some flames on this chapter, but I just couldn't help myself . . .  
  
Please Review and tell me what you think. 


	7. Did He Just Say What I'm Afraid He Just ...

Disclaimer: I have a confession to make. I really do own Harry Potter, and the millions of dollars I'm making by writing this FANfic. Notice the unadulterated and most purest form of sarcasm pouring from my words.  
  
Quick Question: What is the smallest country in the world? Me? Damned if I know, but I wouldn't mind knowing.  
  
Questions will be answered in next chapter!  
  
ATTENTION! This story does actually have a plot. It's just really well hidden. Although it will definitely start to show up in this chapter. Note that this is Action/Adventure AND Humor. Thought you ought to know!  
  
The below pranks belong to whoever suggested throwing Mrs. Norris down a stair case (although I altered it a bit) and Ankalagon. Respectively.  
  
THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO . . . . . . Icefyre Angel!, who is the most wonderfullest person in the world! And also asked to be mentioned in this chapter . . . but who cares for technicalities?  
  
`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@  
  
Mind Games  
  
Chapter Seven  
  
It had been five days since the "Sexy Incident", as the students referred to it, had happened. Snape had locked himself in his rooms and had refused to come out or even teach classes until the day before. Needless to say, the students had enjoyed the free period. Now, potion's class was just as horrible as ever. If not more so.  
  
If Snape even hears the word "yankee", "shirt", or "doo rag" he starts deducting points like it's the last five minutes before the apocalypse.  
  
To the great dismay of the Gryffindors, and the overwhelming relief of the Slytherins, the thousand points from Gryffindor had been removed. Apparently with all of the commotion of the last couple of days, nobody had noticed the drastic increase of points in the Gryffindor hourglass until three days after the "Incident".  
  
The mysterious spirit that had obviously possessed Snape had been quiet lately. The Headmaster had informed the student body that the little troublemaker was called Joe. Like coffee. Needless to say, the coffee consumption of the Hogwarts inhabitants greatly decreased.  
  
Dumbledore also advised them to seek out the help of a professor if they noticed their housemates acting peculiar. Joe was dangerous and highly disturbed. At least, according to the professors.  
  
Harry, who indeed had been keeping quiet, could be found, well not really since he was invisible, but Harry had been roaming the library in search of any clues as to how to rejoin his body.  
  
He still didn't know if he would be able to get back in his body when he woke up. If he woke up. He wasn't having any luck though. He spent many hours searching through the dust-covered tombs of the Restricted Section, but to no avail. It seemed as if nobody had any experience with "Living But Kind of Dead Spirit Thing", as Harry had dubbed himself.  
  
As Harry was walking down the corridor towards the library, he was greatly surprised to see Mrs. Norris. Now, usually one would not be so surprised to see the mangy creature. For seeing her was a common, though highly unwelcome, occurrence for the student body. Especially at the worst of times.  
  
No, what surprised Harry was that Mrs. Norris was looking straight at him. It was liked the cat could see or at least sense him there. The same thing happened when he was wearing his invisibility cloak, but this time was different. He wasn't a solid being. He was an invisible, and decidedly un- solid being.  
  
Her yellow eyes stared right into Harry's emerald green ones. Harry shuddered at her piercing gaze and looked away.  
  
"Creepy," muttered Harry to himself.  
  
"Meow"  
  
Harry glared at Mrs. Norris. "Why don't you do us all a favor and jump out a window, huh?"  
  
Harry kept walking to the library, but before he passed Mrs. Norris, something amazing happened. Mrs. Norris ran full speed and jumped out of the castle window. Harry gapped.  
  
"HOLY FU-FLAG POLE!"  
  
Harry rushed to the opened window and leaned out. He could see Mrs. Norris on the ground below. As they say, cats always land on their feet. Mrs. Norris was no exception. Too bad her legs broke from the impact though.  
  
Students were crowded around the still form of Mrs. Norris, who by all appearances still seemed to be alive, or at least Harry hoped. There was no love lost between them, but Harry still didn't want to be the cause of here death.  
  
Professor Sprout was the first adult to arrive on the scene, and carried Mrs. Norris to the Hospital wing, all the while reassuring the students.  
  
"Don't worry dears. Just a few minor injuries. Madame Pomfrey will have her fixed in a jiff."  
  
Harry noticed that a few students, well, the majority looked a little put out at this proclamation. Mrs. Norris was truly unpopular among the hormonal teenagers of Hogwarts. Well, it seemed that Mrs. Norris was going to be out of commission for a while, but would live to see another day. Unfortunately.  
  
Harry stood back from the window after the commotion had died down. He was deep in thought. Was that another one of his "spirit powers"? Could he not only posses people and control their words, but also their actions? Or could he only control the actions of animals? And could Mrs. Norris really see him? Harry was going to have to do some serious experimenting. Experimenting would have to wait until later though.  
  
Harry grinned as he headed for the Great Hall. Lunch was going to start soon.  
  
`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`  
  
The Great Hall was a loud with the sound of children's laughter, talk, and even a few mild fights among the Houses, though nothing too serious. The professors were making idle chit chat with one another, but not really saying anything of real interest. It mainly consisted of lesson plans and the sure fire way to cure chronic arthritis with a leg locker curse.  
  
Harry had been delighted to find out earlier that week that Sirius and Remus would be staying until he was supposedly supposed to wake up. Voldemort was keeping quite and they had some free time on their hands. Harry guessed that Sirius had gathered the "old crowd" even though Harry didn't know who they were. Well, he planned to find out.  
  
It felt right, to Harry, that the last of the Marauders would be there to witness Harry's pranks. Harry was starting to think that that accident in Potions was worth being put in a coma.  
  
Harry grinned as he saw that Remus had started scooting away discreetly from the irate Potion's Master. Apparently, the only chair usually unoccupied by a professor was the one on the right of Snape.  
  
Thus, Remus being a visitor to the castle, he had to take that chair. The chair on the left side of Snape was usually where Hagrid sat at the end of the table, but after the "Sexy Snape Incident", Hagrid had opted to taking his meals in his hut.  
  
It was just too much for the poor half-giant. He was afraid. Very afraid. He was afraid that the Potions Master might sexually assault him, even if he did have a rogue spirit possessing his body when he was winking at him and dancing around in his face and was supposedly back to normal now. Better safe than sorry though.  
  
Harry looked around for Sirius, but didn't see him. He hadn't come across him since the "Sexy Incident". Sirius, in dog form, had fled the hall before he had been able to un-possess Snape. Harry guessed he didn't want to draw to much suspicion to himself. After all, most people would find a laughing dog suspicious. Even in the Wizarding Word.  
  
Harry floated lazily above the Gryffindor table, catching snatches of conversation here and there. He went over to see how Ron and Hermione were doing. He had seen that they had enjoyed his little performance a couple of days ago.  
  
Although, Ron had enjoyed it more than Hermione did. She thought it was totally inappropriate and completely vulgar. Harry had heard part of her rant when he was haunting around the Gryffindor common room. It went sort of like this:  
  
"I can't believe the nerve of that . . . that . . . MAN! That he had the AUDACITY to do that in front of CHILDREN! I don't think our first years will EVER be the SAME! I don't think ANYBODY will ever be the same! A professor of a fine learning institute such as this should have the decency to act out his innermost fantasies in the privacy of his personal rooms. NOT in front of the ENTIRE SCHOOL! That was the most VULGAR display I have EVER witnessed in my LIFE! And I've watched late night HBO!"  
  
Here she stopped and mumbled something incoherent while turning an interesting shade of red. Harry had quickly left after that. So had Ron, but for a different reason. Ron had just wanted to go to bed.  
  
Ron and Hermione were now discussing classes. Well, Hermione was discussing them. Ron was stuffing his face. Harry looked over to the Slytherin table, more specifically at Malfoy since he had a small crowd surrounding him.  
  
Said ferret had a smug grin on his face as he, no doubt, boasted about his family's money and how great his father was. It was pathetic really. When was the guy ever going to get a life?  
  
Still, the Slytherins around him, minus Crabbe and Goyle since they were to dense to know what was going on, were listening in rapt attention, something they never usually did if Malfoy was boasting about the same old thing.  
  
Curiosity peaked, Harry floated over to the Slytherin table to hear what Malfoy was saying.  
  
". . . so I slipped an ounce of powdered shrivelfiggs into Potter's potion. That fool didn't even notice. Then it explodes right in Potty's face! I single handedly caused the Boy-Who-Lived to fall into a coma. Worship me."  
  
"Oh Draco! You're my hero!" said Pansy Parkinson. The group of Slytherins commenced to shower the little rodent with praise. The little brown nosers. It made Harry physically sick, so he floated back over to the Gryffindor table.  
  
'So that's what happened,' mused Harry, 'Malfoy sabotaged my potion, potion goes BOOM, I land in a coma, turn into a spirit thing, and here I am. Damn.'  
  
Harry was getting angry. And with good reason too. How dare that little ferret do something like that to him! He could have been killed! Harry resolved that he would pay Malfoy back, tenfold, but right now he needed to experiment. Oh, and the Headmaster standing up! Is he going to make a speech?  
  
'Well,' though Harry with a truly evil smirk, 'He is now.'  
  
"Good afternoon students. Before I dismiss you all to your classes, I would like to say a few word." Harry willed his own words to come from Dumbledore's mouth, and sure enough, Harry heard what he wanted to hear.  
  
"I have discovered over the years that a woman has quite a few erogenous zones. Attention to a majority of them is detrimental to her pleasure and the most important of them all, located between her hips, provides a feel of heaven to us mortals. The Quidditch game between Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw has been delayed until next week because of the terrible weather." Dumbledore sat back down. The entire Hall gapped at him with wide eyes.  
  
Dumbledore frowned. He had not heard any exclamations of anger at his announcement, as was usually when a Quidditch match was delayed. In fact, the student body and faculty regarded him as if he had just uttered a most foul curse word. He looked over to Minerva.  
  
"Is there something on my beard? Whatever is the matter with everyone?" asked Dumbledore with amusement clearly twinkling in his icy blue eyes.  
  
McGonnagal just stared, and then did something that quite surprised the old Headmaster as well as the rest of the school.  
  
SLAP. McGonnagal left the hall in a raging huff and a very confused Dumbledore was left nursing an angry red had print on his face.  
  
`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`  
  
Harry sighed contentedly as he floated down the corridor to the library. The look on the Headmaster's face was priceless when McGonnagal slapped him. But now he had to get back to work. He needed to continue with his research and come up with a way to totally and completely humiliate Malfoy.  
  
As he was floating along, he saw Sir Nicholas come through a nearby wall. He was about to offer a greeting, but then stopped himself. He was invisible, so it wasn't like he would get a reply. Nobody could see him, and he was starting to get lonely. He missed his friends.  
  
As he continued to float by the ghost, a voice shook him out of depressing thoughts. And thoroughly scared the crap out of him.  
  
"Hello, Harry! Terrible weather we're having aren't we? Why, I don't believe I've seen this much rain since the spring of 1823."  
  
Harry stared at Sir Nicholas.  
  
The aforementioned ghost just regarded him with concern. "Are you alright, Harry?"  
  
Harry numbly nodded, then found his voice. "You can see me?"  
  
"Of course I can see you Harry. Are you sure you're feeling alright?" asked Sir Nicholas. Harry grinned. He wasn't alone.  
  
"Sir Nicholas! Maybe you can help me. You see, I was in an accident in Potion's, and I'm in a coma, but I woke up and no one could see me or hear me! It's like I'm a ghost, but I'm still alive. Do you know how I can get back to my body?" asked Harry urgently.  
  
Sir Nicholas regarded him in surprise, which quickly turned into deep regret and sorrow.  
  
"I have heard of this. It's been over four hundred years since something like this has happened. What you are now is called a Living Spirit. Your soul, essence, spirit, or whatever you would like to call it has been ripped from your body. If the Living Spirit does not rejoin its body within a month, the body will die and the spirit will be condemned to wander the earth for all eternity."  
  
Harry was stunned. He could die? Wander the earth for all eternity? It sounded rather clichéd, like in one of Dudley's stupid TV shows, but it was real. He could be condemned to a life, or well afterlife of isolation.  
  
No Heaven.  
  
No Hell.  
  
Alone.  
  
Forever.  
  
`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`  
  
Ok, the whole "Harry's gonna die" was all pretty dramatic if you ask me, but this story just has to have a plot! It can't just be a bunch of random pranks and then he wakes up! THE END!!! Well, this is going to be a bunch of random pranks AND a story with a plot!  
  
NOTE! If you want your very own chapter dedicated to YOU, then all you have to do is ask. Come with one free compliment.  
  
NOTE! Suggestions on how to get back at Draco are appreciated! As are other prank ideas.  
  
Thank you all who inquired about my mother. She's doing much better!  
  
Please Review and tell me what you think. Thanks, Siripiritus 


	8. I really need a hug AN

hey peoples. Not gonna update. Ever.

My mom died August 14, 2004. I lived with her, but know I have to live with my dad and step-mother (complete with two step sisters).

I hate it.

I feel oppressed, repressed, and depressed.

I am the red-headed step-child.

My official name now is Cinderella.

My life is hell. I wish it would end, but my mother raised me better than that. I'll do her proud and become a great writer just like she and my grandfather were. No, suicide is not the answer, although I wish it were.

The night before my mother died, I received a contract from her agent.

Anybody ever heard of David Madden?

He's the head of creative writing at LSU, and he won a Pulitzer prize for one of his novels. He also worked with my grandfather, who has had several books published, and one made into a movie back in the '60s.

He was going to try to sell her property to Random House, and hopefully my aunt can handle all of the legalities now.

Ain't that the darndest thing? I just couldn't wait to tell her. Alas, I was 30 minutes to late to the hospital. I went in to say hello, and when I touched her, she was dead.

Thank you dear family who so graciously told me she "had just gotten alot sicker" That's exactly what I want to do, touch my dead mom's body, not knowing she was dead of course. And my family just stood there and gawked.

The bastards.

Let's just say the sight of her dead body will haunt me forever.

God, I wish I was dead.

::sigh::

Sorry about the updates. I just can't do it. These horrid people barely let me on their computer as it is.

My mama used to hold me when I was sad.

Nobody's comforted me for more than five minutes since she died.

I got more comfort from the singer at my mama's favorite restaurant (when I asked her to dedicate the song 'Que Serra Serra' to my mama) (which happened to be the song she sang to me the day before she died) than I've gotten from any of my family or friends!

I really need a hug, and nobody's here to hug me.


End file.
